Just beneath the surface of normal

My Million Dollar Idea


OMG, you guys, I just stumbled across the Next Big Thing. Don’t try to steal it, because my readership is so small that I probably know where you live.

This morning I finally found the gray, fleece-lined leggings I’ve been looking everywhere for tucked into the cushions of the big red chair, which isn’t surprising because you could lose entire extended families in that chair. I showed them to Jim, who squinted at them skeptically.

Jim: they’re awfully small.

Me: they stretch, see? (I tried to stretched them out wide but they didn’t actually stretch that far.)

Me: Well, I bought them in New York, so they’re probably some kind of New York M/L, which is like a size 4.

For no reason I can possibly explain, I then put them on my head like a hat. 

Jim: What. The…  What exactly are you going for here?

Me: (lifting them up a bit) They’re big, droopy bunny ears, see?

Jim: Yeah, okay. I was thinking more like those head things the kids have that have pockets at the end of them.

Me: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but this could totally be a hat. A hat with a built-in scarf. OH MY GOD! That’s brilliant! They would always match, and they would never get separated!

First: if a furry hat with ears and a pocket-scarf can be a thing, then my legging hat/scarf can totally also be a thing.
Second: is this the most insanely trampy way to model an animal hat with a pocket scarf ever, or what? Exactly what demographic are they shooting for here?
Third: Furries are taking over the world.

I ran over to the mirror to admire my legging hat with the legs draped jauntily about my neck.

Me: And then when you don’t want a hat, you could turn it around and it would keep the back of your neck warm! This is totally going to make us a million dollars.

Jim: Or you could drape the underwear part in the front to keep your neck warm, like a dickey. That’s what I’m always trying to do with my scarf, is spread it flat so that it keeps my chest warm where my coat opens.

Me: OMG yes! An underwear dickey, you are brilliant! OR…it could be a bib. NOW how much would you pay!?

Jim: And all you really have to do is repackage existing leggings.

Me: AND this is New Jersey, I’m sure those things fall of of trucks all the time! It’d be like FREE money!

Jim: Free felony money!

I swear to God, officer, they were just lying there abandoned.

This is another reason we’re married: anyone else would have me committed, but Jim actually humors my crazy. Probably because he knows I lack the initiative and motivation to follow through.

Actually, on second thought? If you love this idea, you should totally run with it and just give me 5% in perpetuity for the concept. I would totally accept that in return for you doing all the work. Have your people talk to my people.


6 thoughts on “My Million Dollar Idea

  1. I would totally wear your legging hat over the animal hat thing. One is sleek and sophisticated, the other just looks like you’ve murdered your teddy bear.

  2. Okay. I just discovered you by coming over here via The Bloggess and I am so happy to have discovered you! Your million dollar idea isn’t going to be panty hats (see? great name) it’s going to be a book. A beautiful, well-written, funny, intelligent book.

    Nice to meet you. I’m so glad you blog.

    • Welcome! You’re my very first stranger! I’m so sorry I haven’t had time to tidy the place up, but you’ll find that’s me; you might as well get used to it. On the bright side, bras are totally optional.

      I am wrestling a book, as a matter of fact, but it’s very slow going. It’s also a nerdy book, not a funny book. Maybe someday a funny book will happen, though. I hadn’t honestly thought of it until your comment!

      Also, Panty Hats are a perfect name. I hereby dub them “Panty Hats” – like “party hats” but with more legs. This marketing plan just writes itself!

      • Awesome. Bra optional places really work for me right now.

        I get wrestling with a book, I’m doing that myself. Trying to get ready to do Camp Nanowrimo in April. (So much to do!)

        The marketing does write itself! lol

        Glad to be the first and therefore strangest stranger! Yay!

  3. (As directed by my husband): Pantyhose, according to Wally my husband and former OTR truck driver, are also essential when driving across a desert, such as Death Valley. He tells me that the heat may do you in if your vehicle’s water pump belt breaks Without a working water pump, your engine will freeze up permanently. You’d never get out alive, Panty hose, says Wally, can be used as a temporary belt by winding it on to the place where the broken belt was. Maybe lasts 10-15 miles and you should drive slowly, but it may mean you can get to a safer place. It might be good to keep a supply of them if you have to get further than that.

    (Mom chimes in): I love the idea as well as the Panty Hat pitch. Pure genius. I can already see spin offs, such as a head cold hat. It would meet a number of vital needs.
    1. If painted with a large red nose inside an octagon, it could signal it would signal others. STAY AWAY! Can’t you see I’m miserable?
    2. Clean tissues could be placed in one leg along with other small comforts like cough drops and hand sanitizer.
    3. Used tissues could be placed in the other leg along with cough drop wrappers, etc. so you don’t have to run for tissues or waste basket.

    • In case anyone was wondering where I learned to be ridiculous. The suggestively disfigured apple never falls far from the slightly diseased tree.

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