Y’all I just managed to keep my mouth shut appropriately for maybe the first time ever. Obviously I have to tell you all about it.
I just visited the campus’s ubiquitous purveyor of coffee beverages to get myself a large soy chai, which I’m not allowed to call large because forcing you to say it Italian somehow makes it worth the $4 they charge you for the privilege. And their Italian large is really a medium anyway, which is just confusing. If we’re going for Italian, can’t we just be consistent? Piccolo, medio, & grande. It even manages to sound less pretentious because it doesn’t insult your intelligence by trying to tell you that a short cup is tall.
Anyway, I landed there between classes so there was a bit of a wait for my beverage. Which is okay because it means that I get paid to just stand there and zone out for a few minutes, which I really needed after a day in the air seated behind a kid with untreated ADHD. Which is a whole ‘nother saga, because his parents didn’t want to sit with him so his poor teenage sister was left being responsible for his erratic behavior, and I totally get it – there’s no way to fly easily with a kid with developmental difficulties, but I’m pretty sure giving him two Cokes and passing idle threats across the seats isn’t your go-to method of child management.
Wow, I have no attention span this morning. So tired.
Okay, let’s try this again: the person in front of me ordered an iced coffee with whip. The barista was so generous with the whip that it pushed itself up and out the center hole of the dome lid in a column which then flopped over to one side, managing to look exactly like a flaccid penis. When I was a student here just two years ago, I would have blurted out, “dude that TOTALLY looks exactly like a whipped cream penis!” without a thought, but now I’m staff and I have to wear nice clothes and pretend to be a grownup. So I managed to stifle my *snerk* and keep my grin at least marginally sardonic.
But people, when the orderer’s girlfriend asked if she could lick off some of the whipped cream, I nearly lost it. Because seriously, that is a LOT to ask someone to contain. My brain was screaming at me to let loose with “OMG, she just licked off her boyfriend’s whipped cream dick! That’s probably the most sadly misplaced preposition a man has ever known. Wordplay like this doesn’t come along every day. ” but I managed to hold my tongue and stifle the cackle of amusement rising in my chest. I averted my eyes, searching desperately for someone to share a knowing grin with, but there was nothing but students and if any of them noticed it they weren’t letting on. I felt so desolate.
Fortunately there’s you. Because I know I can count on you to also have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy (or at least tolerate mine, because if you were bothered you wouldn’t still be here). And you never expect me to act like I don’t. Because of you I get to hold a job like a regular person. Thanks for that. You’re pretty awesome.
And frankly, so am I, because that’s some ninja-level decorum I just pulled off for five whole minutes there.