As quickly and mysteriously as it came, it’s gone. I took Friday off to rest but other than sleeping late found I didn’t really need any. In fact, I felt itchy to *do something*, which is a sensation I’d all but forgotten. I’m out of the habit of being able to function, though, so mostly I crocheted and thought about doing things, and got up and paced, and video chatted with my best friend, and then took my geriatric cat to the vet to find out why she’s started meowing all. the. damn. time. Now I get to give her regular injections for her arthritis, which I sort of enjoy more than I should; but when she’s all “hey, it’s four in the morning and you rolled over which must mean you really want to pet me now” I am comforted by the knowledge that I will soon get to stab her again. AND that it will be for her own good, so I’m not even a bad kitty mom for having such thoughts.
Saturday I worked in the garden and Jim and I ran some errands. Yesterday – you guys, yesterday I DROVE A CAR FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FIVE WEEKS! It was awesome. And horrible. Because I am so rusty. So I sort of tried to go straight on a left arrow and the oncoming cars trying to turn left were all, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” and I thought I had a green so I’m all “what the fuck is wrong with YOU?!” but looking in my rear-view, it would seem that I was the problem. So that was kind of embarrassing. But everyone was fine, if a little annoyed, and I got the reminder that when you drive you really have to pay attention to all the little details, and you can’t just move because the car next to you moved. But still, it was incredible to have the freedom to run and get some groceries. Hell, it was incredible to have the freedom to know how to cook them again.
Last night Corinne and I baked a cake for Jim (who she calls Bear) – it said “Happy Bearther’s Day” because it was his birthday last Monday and it was Father’s Day yesterday. Trust me, it made perfect sense at the time. Although Jim asserts that he is entirely positive that Obama was born in the US, so maybe it didn’t actually make sense at the time either. I wish I’d taken a picture because I really suck at writing in icing and pretty much all of these were better than mine. Though fortunately we didn’t actually pay for my attempt.
Which is to say, life is back to normal, and I love it in all its goofiness.
The only downside is that now that my brain works again, I remember how to be anxious and codependent. I did not miss that. Like, at all. It was really fun when the only thing I knew how to be was blunt and I could say whatever I wanted to because I didn’t know how to worry about how it was received. And everyone cut me extra slack because of it. It’s kinda sad when you know you’re getting better when you start being crazy again. Also, it seems like my brain has decided it’s got lost time to make up for because now I’m worried about everything – and the things I’m not worried about, I worry that I should be. So that’s fun.
I don’t know how long it will last, or if it was only a product of the dry and temperate weekend we just had. But for now, I’m happy to be able to have energy and smile and make dinner. And drive. People say it’s the little things in life that give us the greatest pleasure. When I was young I thought that was total bullshit, but now that I’ve had a first-hand experience that my body is this mysterious vessel that could stop working at any time and/or maybe even trap me inside it, I kinda start to see what they mean. Walking from the train to my office on a beautiful morning without my legs aching after half a block was just about the sweetest thing ever.
Hopefully I’ll be taking it for granted again in no time.