Just beneath the surface of normal

The Scourge of Pervlexia


So I have this thing that happens when I read blocks of text, where letters from lines above and below the line I’m reading get all wrapped together and combine to make entirely different words. Sometimes it’s just weird, but probably 98% of the time it creates something dirtier than the original intent. Today my friend posted this on Facebook:


I am stalked by my own dirty mind.

A normal person would go, “hell yeah, me too!”, hit Like, and go on with their day. But because of the triangular proximity of “on call” and “my back” and “bliss” in the two lines, my brain interpreted it as “when I win the lottery, I am going to have someone scratch my balls,” which is sort of an odd thing for a cis-woman to want, really, but who am I to judge.

I would have rolled my eyes at myself and kept going, but I seriously see that every single time I look at that text. So I finally had to admit to her what I saw. And that’s when a miracle happened: someone else commented that they saw the exact same thing. I learned something important: I am not alone. We are multitude (or at least two) though we suffer in silence.

On the spot, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant and original portmanteau: Pervlexia. Alas, Rule 34 (well, it’s not exactly porn – maybe Rule 33 1/3?) was in effect, and someone already thought of it twelve whole years ago. Which just goes to show you how special Barbiesaurus really is.

So now that we know we’re not alone, it’s time to end the silence! It’s time for we who constantly misread things inappropriately to come out and say it loud, “I’m Pervlexic and I’m proud!”

Now to be clear, Pervlexia is not the same thing as this phenomenon:

Admit it, you saw “I have a flower in my butthole” too. If you didn’t, I’m frankly not sure why you’re even here. You should probably see a doctor

No, it’s not just misreading “pens” as “penis”. This is the tendency to create new dirty words/context out of combinations of entirely different and benign proximal words. And I do it all. the. time. Though of course I can think of no examples of it right now -other than the one that started this- because I have the memory of a drunk gnat. Except when it comes to things that don’t matter at all. Which you would kind of thing this would fall into, but it’s like my memory knows when I’m going to need something in the future. Because my memory is kind of a spiteful asshole with psychic abilities.

But so, In another shameless attempt to get my comments section to actually DO something, tell us, dear reader: what have you hilariously misread recently in your struggle with Pervlexia? Bonus points for inappropriate context like teachers, bosses, and priests.


6 thoughts on “The Scourge of Pervlexia

  1. I don’t know if Kenfucky Tried Chicken counts. But there it is.

  2. Maya, you are an amazing woman with the humor of a 14 year-old boy. Brava!

  3. I read “Come get your Eastern Massage” on the sign outside of church.

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