Just beneath the surface of normal

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This Idea is CLAIMED, Y’all

Seems like all my best material goes to Facebook because they’re clever responses to other people, and it seems in some ways like a horrible waste of material since I’m sort of trying to cultivate a readership over here.  For now, I know most of you on Facebook so it’s kind of a rehash for you. Sorry about that. But for those who are sifting through my archives someday, I present:

1) If my last name were Khan I would totally get a PhD just so I could make people sing “Dr Khan let me rock you, let me rock you Dr Khan.” Because I’m the sort of person who makes expensive life-changing decisions for the sake of 30 year old song punnery. Let it never be said I lack conviction.

2) Someone on Facebook posted a picture of a legless off-brand Barbie and asked for tips.


In retrospect, she might have just been looking for help reattaching the legs.

My advice was to go buy off-brand dinosaurs (not that there are brand-name dinosaurs or anything), rip off their legs, and reattach them to the doll to make a Barbiesaurus. Or maybe a Centaurbie? I’m still working that out. And frankly, it could work with lots of animals, not just dinosaurs, so I should probably go for something generic. Do centaurs HAVE to be half-horse, or is it more focused on the “half” part?

Anyway, I searched the Internet for a picture to show how to do it….AND IT HASN’T BEEN DONE YET. For once in my life (well, maybe twice) I think I have come up with something actually original. Only this time it might catch on.

Now I have to go home and buy a barbie and a dinosaur and take pictures before someone else tries to steal it as their own. I’m posting it here before I do that so that I can prove that I thought of it first, because that’s the sort of thing you need when you’re in a copyright dispute over plastic toy chimeras. I’m also going to print this and mail it to myself, though I’ve never been entirely clear why that’s important. Except then I’d have to get stamps. And actually mail it. I can’t even get cards I’ve already filled out into the mail, though, so I’m probably being optimistic. Regardless, it’s mine, so move along. You’ll have to find other random things to smoosh together to claim as your own.

But so: updates to come when surgery is complete.



My Million Dollar Idea

OMG, you guys, I just stumbled across the Next Big Thing. Don’t try to steal it, because my readership is so small that I probably know where you live.

This morning I finally found the gray, fleece-lined leggings I’ve been looking everywhere for tucked into the cushions of the big red chair, which isn’t surprising because you could lose entire extended families in that chair. I showed them to Jim, who squinted at them skeptically.

Jim: they’re awfully small.

Me: they stretch, see? (I tried to stretched them out wide but they didn’t actually stretch that far.)

Me: Well, I bought them in New York, so they’re probably some kind of New York M/L, which is like a size 4.

For no reason I can possibly explain, I then put them on my head like a hat. 

Jim: What. The…  What exactly are you going for here?

Me: (lifting them up a bit) They’re big, droopy bunny ears, see?

Jim: Yeah, okay. I was thinking more like those head things the kids have that have pockets at the end of them.

Me: I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, but this could totally be a hat. A hat with a built-in scarf. OH MY GOD! That’s brilliant! They would always match, and they would never get separated!

First: if a furry hat with ears and a pocket-scarf can be a thing, then my legging hat/scarf can totally also be a thing.
Second: is this the most insanely trampy way to model an animal hat with a pocket scarf ever, or what? Exactly what demographic are they shooting for here?
Third: Furries are taking over the world.

I ran over to the mirror to admire my legging hat with the legs draped jauntily about my neck.

Me: And then when you don’t want a hat, you could turn it around and it would keep the back of your neck warm! This is totally going to make us a million dollars.

Jim: Or you could drape the underwear part in the front to keep your neck warm, like a dickey. That’s what I’m always trying to do with my scarf, is spread it flat so that it keeps my chest warm where my coat opens.

Me: OMG yes! An underwear dickey, you are brilliant! OR…it could be a bib. NOW how much would you pay!?

Jim: And all you really have to do is repackage existing leggings.

Me: AND this is New Jersey, I’m sure those things fall of of trucks all the time! It’d be like FREE money!

Jim: Free felony money!

I swear to God, officer, they were just lying there abandoned.

This is another reason we’re married: anyone else would have me committed, but Jim actually humors my crazy. Probably because he knows I lack the initiative and motivation to follow through.

Actually, on second thought? If you love this idea, you should totally run with it and just give me 5% in perpetuity for the concept. I would totally accept that in return for you doing all the work. Have your people talk to my people.