Snarkeling

Just beneath the surface of normal


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A Solid Foundation of Puns and Dick Jokes

It all started with a texted picture of a hat.You know, like it does.

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“my first Guernsey project” – Katrina

It’s a lovely hat, but I totally had no idea what Guernsey knitting is. Not that I let that stop me from running with it…

puns

When we went out to visit in August, Jim looked across the table at us and said, “it’s so good to see you two together,” and we both smiled and affectionately tilted our heads to one side…and bonked them together with an audible clunk, which made each of us laugh, which made us giggle uncontrollably, because this is us. Like sisters, except better because we never had to compete for attention or resources.

I miss her more than usual because it’s only been a handful of weeks since I saw her so I’m still in withdrawal. The best thing about the 21st century so far is the text app that lets us silently pop in and crack each other up at pretty much any time across 3,000 miles and 3 hours of time difference. I don’t mean to gloat…except I totally do – because holy hell wouldn’t you? We are goddamn brilliant together.

best-friends-gift-ideas-cheap

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Why I Should Never Be Given Admin Rights

My office uses an IM client so that we can send interoffice messages. I used it to set up Facebook chat, which I figured would be more productive than actually keeping Facebook open (because if a university actually blocked Facebook, the student mass exodus would be sudden and violent – another job perk).

What follows is an actual message exchange between me and my friend David:

Maya: So sweaty from Pilates. I wish we got longer than an hour for lunch, I’d have taken a damn shower
David: So now you look like you are doing Extreme Administration
Maya: I look like I had a quickie in the janitorial closet
David: Messy hair and hose not quite aligned
Maya: it’s a pants day
David: Pants? No diva thongs for your office
Maya: …
David: Could be worse
David: I’ve seen drag queens do that look
David: …with
THE TUCK
Maya: uh
David: Hint. If I can tell you are tucking. . Ew
David: And that breaks your mind
Maya: omg
David: Six foot something diva.
Maya: dude, you gotta master the tuck
Maya: GOT.
Maya: TA.
David: yeah. I shouldn’t see you nuts in a rainbow thong
Maya: OH, the mental images!
Maya: Rainbow moose knuckles!
David: Heh. Who needs speed as an appetite suppressant.
When you have .
.that
Maya: What?! NO, I was thinking of marketing a whole line of gummies!
Maya: Too bad “taste the rainbow” is already taken
Maya: Do you think “taint the rainbow” would be considered copyright infringement?
David: I’d not want to taste that rainbow
David: It’d be poop flavored
Maya: Not if they were GUMMY moose knuckles!
Maya: Besides, you assume he doesn’t keep up with ass maintenance. Bigot.
David: I’m not ass uming anything about asses
Maya: Ooooh, low hanging fruit.
Maya: your wordplay is no match for my pun-fu
David Not as low hanging as those nuts 😉
Maya: Those WERE in fact the low hanging “fruit” I was referencing.
David: doh
Maya: See? Like a thief in the motherfuckin’ night.
David: stealing your decency

I feel like I need to explain that I’ve been friends with a number of drag queens and none of them would be happy with a bad tuck either, so it’s totally not bigoted. Except against bad tucks. Because seriously. If you’re going to go to all that effort to look like a drop-dead-gorgeous lady? That last bit seems worth it.