Snarkeling

Just beneath the surface of normal


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Return of Dicktater

Somewhere, my friends, there is a pornographic sweet potato farm, and Whole Foods has bought exclusive rights (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, new readers, this has happened before. Now it’s somehow an industry). In what may be one of the stranger sentences I’ve ever uttered, I can no longer buy sweet potatoes without getting sort of confusingly turned on.

I defy you to contradict me:

son of dicktater

Son of Dicktater: bigger, straighter, more…veiny. I am not entirely comfortable with chopping that up to roast.

…veiny?

big veiny

Seriously. Veiny sweet potatoes. How does that even happen? I really don’t think that’s how tubers’ circulatory systems work. It’s not even suggestive, it’s just a scary ‘roid-neck tater. But VEINS!

And lastly, y’all, – and I think this proves that I’m not just making up some kind of weird tuberous conspiracy theory – I give you:

IMG_20160305_210604518.jpg

Where do baby dicktaters come from? Why, vagtater poontato, of course!

To be fair, that last one could also be Our Lady of Guadalupe.

But I don’t think it is.

 

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I’m Helpless In the Face of Pun Temptation

Last time I was at our local purveyor of absurdly expensive semi-organic groceries, I happened to notice that their sweet potatoes were much less…round…than they used to be. I suppose this is in support of the ugly produce movement, which is great because ugly produce is a ridiculous thing to waste. But this one (along with many of its friends) was, shall we say, unmistakable:

dick tater

It looked like a dick, okay? That sweet potato straight up looks like a lumpy, malformed dick and scrotum. Not on its best day, for sure, but I DARE you to tell me you don’t see it. You can’t. That is a Dick Tater.

My friends, a pun is a terrible thing to waste. You cannot stare at a dick tater without thinking about dictatorship. Or at least I can’t. I’m willing to concede that I might be alone in this. But anyway, that’s how I wound up spending 30 minutes crafting this:

dick tater ship

Putting the dick tater in ‘dick tater ship.’ Yeah, I went there. Apologies for the crude photoshopping, but even I have limits to how much effort I’m willing to put into a visual pun.