My office uses an IM client so that we can send interoffice messages. I used it to set up Facebook chat, which I figured would be more productive than actually keeping Facebook open (because if a university actually blocked Facebook, the student mass exodus would be sudden and violent – another job perk).
What follows is an actual message exchange between me and my friend David:
Maya: So sweaty from Pilates. I wish we got longer than an hour for lunch, I’d have taken a damn shower
David: So now you look like you are doing Extreme Administration
Maya: I look like I had a quickie in the janitorial closet
David: Messy hair and hose not quite aligned
Maya: it’s a pants day
David: Pants? No diva thongs for your office
Maya: …
David: Could be worse
David: I’ve seen drag queens do that look
David: …with
THE TUCK
Maya: uh
David: Hint. If I can tell you are tucking. . Ew
David: And that breaks your mind
Maya: omg
David: Six foot something diva.
Maya: dude, you gotta master the tuck
Maya: GOT.
Maya: TA.
David: yeah. I shouldn’t see you nuts in a rainbow thong
Maya: OH, the mental images!
Maya: Rainbow moose knuckles!
David: Heh. Who needs speed as an appetite suppressant.
When you have .
.that
Maya: What?! NO, I was thinking of marketing a whole line of gummies!
Maya: Too bad “taste the rainbow” is already taken
Maya: Do you think “taint the rainbow” would be considered copyright infringement?
David: I’d not want to taste that rainbow
David: It’d be poop flavored
Maya: Not if they were GUMMY moose knuckles!
Maya: Besides, you assume he doesn’t keep up with ass maintenance. Bigot.
David: I’m not ass uming anything about asses
Maya: Ooooh, low hanging fruit.
Maya: your wordplay is no match for my pun-fu
David Not as low hanging as those nuts 😉
Maya: Those WERE in fact the low hanging “fruit” I was referencing.
David: doh
Maya: See? Like a thief in the motherfuckin’ night.
David: stealing your decency
I feel like I need to explain that I’ve been friends with a number of drag queens and none of them would be happy with a bad tuck either, so it’s totally not bigoted. Except against bad tucks. Because seriously. If you’re going to go to all that effort to look like a drop-dead-gorgeous lady? That last bit seems worth it.
Snarkeling 